Wonderful evening. It is 9:53 p.m.

There’s a good chance that I won’t be writing in the morning, as I need to be at school early for a publication upload. I’ll be around later in the day, though.

Just a few quick things about the day, and then it’s off to bed.

First, I can tell the questions are working deep within me about my writing and how I will resolve these issues of being spread too thin. I have spent most of the afternoon and early evening in quiet contemplation, allowing the feelings to come and go. There are the insecurities, for sure, that make themselves terribly present. As soon as I get excited about the idea of developing a plan for my writing, the inner critic surfaces and reminds me that this is no different than any other time I’ve been down this road (well, never this intensely traveled, but a meandering of sorts about what I want to do).

This is nothing but pure fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of failure. Fear of judgment. Fear of ridicule. It is what has stopped me every step of the way, until now.

Two things happened today to help me get through this.

First: I was listening to a Christian satellite station on Sirius Radio this afternoon, and Phil Johnson was talking about the need for individuals to really embrace our Christianity boldly, shout it to the world from the rooftops, our blessed, barbaric yawp, and let the world know we’re not afraid to talk about our faith in regular, everyday settings. This simple concept is helping me understand my own fear, my own trepidation from making a commitment and shouting that blessed and barbaric yawp to the masses.

I do not dignify my inner critic and its suppressive voice.

I’m not afraid. . . .I’m not afraid. . . .

Second: I received an anonymous letter today from Boston. It was both supportive and literary, and I read it over and over again in the post office, grinning, thrilled to receive these words. I have several students in that area, but the handwriting in the actual letter seemed much more mature. At first, I wanted to learn who wrote these beautiful words.

But then a greater thought transcended this desire to reveal the writer. With a name suddenly comes further questions, perhaps evaluations, judgments, and then more questions. The words on the page become secondary to the individual. Believe me, it’s not that I diminish the beauty of the individual who sent this letter; rather, I cherish the greater message and the sharing of these words. Tonight, I feel great support and encouragement that in my own journey, I am not alone.

I am not alone. . . .

Enjoy the evening and the early morning, Friends. What glorious moments these are.

Good morning. It is 5:24 a.m.

Halfway point is here. But does that even mean anything anymore?

When I started this journey 20 days ago, it was all about getting to day 40. In fact, I’ve been asked recently by several people about how challenging it might be to hold on for the final 20 days. Now that I’ve reached this point, though, the question that is evolving is, will I ever go back to the way things were? Will I resume eating unhealthily, and will I be glued to Facebook 24/7?

It is seeming increasingly unlikely that I will return willingly to any of those old habits. The further I move away from them, the clearer it seems to me that I have turned a corner in my life. This was the entire purpose of the journey — to still the waters and refocus, to ask the tough questions about the things that have held me back in the past, and to confront my spirituality head-on.

So where am I at this once-defined halfway point?

I understand how strong fear is, and how it has driven most of my decisions in my life.

I also understand love is stronger.

I understand how strong and injurious the inner critic can be.

I also understand how stronger forgiveness is.

I understand I can’t do anything about the past but let it go.

I also understand that all things are possible through Him who strengthens me.

I understand that self-punishment is never healthy, nor helpful.

I also understand that self-love allows me to love others more healthily.

I want to thank all of you for your wonderful comments, both public and private, about this weekend’s posts. I am grateful for your support, kind words, and advice. You have helped me stay strong through this stage as I ask the tough questions about where my energies will flow. This weekend, I put my creative cards on the table. In my mind and in my heart, they are all aces. To give any one of them up would be to give away a gift from God. I will continue to work through this in the coming days, and for as long as it takes.

Again, though, your help along the way is an absolute blessing. Thank you.

On to a good Monday. I hope each of you awakes with the vision of a brand new day in all its glory. . . .

It is 11:23 a.m.

Just found this nugget from Hugh Prather’s 365 Thoughts (excerpted from Nov. 4):

A sure way to stay unhappy is to hold tightly to the past that we have painstakingly accumulated. One reason little children are so happy and have such boundless energy is that they have very little past to drag behind them. This allows their minds to function as designed. They process the present, which is the dwelling place of the Divine.

So…Is that the key? Simply forget everything that has defined me as an artist and writer to this point and begin anew?

And if so, what direction to take?

(copyright 2010, Rus VanWestervelt, taken at Goucher College, Towson, MD October 2009)

Good morning. Blessed Sunday! It is 6:43 a.m.

I wanted to share with you part two of yesterday’s post. I’m sorry I didn’t get to it last night, but after coming home from Holland’s meet (she had her best meet of the season with placing second and third in floor and vault, respectively), we all just enjoyed the rest of the day relaxing. I really enjoyed the laziness of the afternoon and evening. Much needed for all of us, I think.

Yesterday I talked about the “major setback” that is already old news and a part of my past. I don’t know if I’ve ever been able to do that before. Writing it and sharing it with all of you was very good for me and helped in that process to move on. I thank you for your words of support, both public and private, that strengthened me. It is wonderful to feel such love and faith in the friends around me. “Grateful” is a word that simply doesn’t begin to describe my appreciation. . . .I thank you.

Onward to part two — something that has come about as a natural outcome of this journey: who I am as a writer, as an artist.

Many years ago, my mentor at Towson (State) University gave me a copy of Hugh Prather’s Notes to Myself. Great stuff on these pages, but one passage really spoke to me. In fact, 23 years later, I find myself pondering its meaning as much now as I did then.

Here’s the passage:

There is a part of me that wants to write, a part that wants to theorize, a part that wants to sculpt, a part that wants to teach. . . .To force myself into a single role, to decide to be just one thing in life, would kill off large parts of me. Rather, I recognize that I live now and only now, and I will do what I want to do this moment and not what I decided was best for me yesterday.

No single passage has ever captured my philosophy toward life more succinctly. Yet, no passage has ever caused me such internal debate and frustration in whether this is rationalization for procrastination, a sure sign of Attention-Deficit Disorder, or an acceptable way to go through life.

I have been accused of all of these things and more. I have been called a hedonist. I was also diagnosed in my youth (very early 1970’s) as a “genius on a roller coaster,” whatever that means. Psychiatrists told my parents that, for my entire life, I would go through periods of great productivity and energy, and other times I would be just the opposite.

Great. Way to label the kid with no hope or strategy to get off the crazy ride, huh?

So this is what I am left with. I’ve written two book-length manuscripts of fiction, I have a degree in creative nonfiction, I have a fairly consistent blog that focuses on living a better, more genuine life, I am a photographer, and I love the outdoors. I play the guitar and piano, but neither well. I draw, paint, sketch, and carve. I am a teacher at the high school, undergraduate, and graduate levels. I have started a foundation helping teens struggling with anxiety and depression, and I have my own small publishing press.

Each of these is compromised by the work and time I put into the other activities. I could be a better novelist, OR creative nonfiction writer, OR inspiring writer, OR photographer, OR musician, OR artist, OR educator, OR activist for mental-health issues, OR a small publisher.

Each compromises the other. As a result, both novels are unpublished, I’ve had very few of my creative nonfiction pieces picked up, I’ve done nothing with my blog entries, I am not photographing life as I see it more often, I am not good enough in my music to ever play with others, etc. etc.

Do I continue on in this vein, as Prather suggests? After all–is “success” defined by our products or by the way we live our lives? Or do I narrow the playing field, focus on just one or two, and allow them to thrive while the others wilt away?

Therein lies the dilemma of my ages.

I’m going to take the next few days to stop skating over this issue and work toward a decision on how I am going to live my life — not that a simple decision can be made in a few days, but I’ve not taken the time to still the waters long enough to explore it fully.

Do I become a writer of fiction? nonfiction? inspirational? Do I combine these somehow? Do I continue on works that are near completion or begin anew? What is my niche? How will I be able to make the biggest impact with my audience? What is the best contribution I can make to my society?

What do I really want to do? What is the best use of my time?

I’m exhausted just thinking about it. I’ll be back later.

Namaste. It is 5:31 a.m.

I know…Saturday morning, and I’m writing earlier than I usually do on a weekday. Holland has a gymnastics competition in Laurel this morning; timed warm-ups begin at 8, so we’ll be on the road by 6:20 a.m.

Well, I wouldn’t exactly call yesterday a pivotal day, but I do think that there were some major events — two to be exact — that took me by surprise. One was a natural outcome of this journey that I am on; the other was a major setback that, fortunately, I managed to control before I let it consume all of me.

I’ll forgo all the drama and begin with the major setback.

Prior to my decision to begin this journey, Friday afternoons and evenings were, for some reason, tough for me. I could feel sadness creeping in, an unassigned melancholy that I couldn’t attach to an event, anniversary, or upcoming concern. It was just there, and I couldn’t do much about it at all. Given the time to reflect on these bouts of sadness on Fridays, I think that it might have been caused by the simple shifting of gears; after running hard all week at school and in the evenings for numerous responsibilities, I was looking forward to the calmer two days ahead. The sadness could have just been a part of that transition of relaxing, taking the time to reflect a little, and giving my body, my mind, my soul, the permission to get off auto pilot and go solo for a few days.

I’m not entirely convinced that it was all related to that “taking over” of the controls, but I’m fairly certain of it.

Yesterday, though, all of that came back. It might have been triggered by the two straight weeks of classes after not having a normal week of school since the second week of December. My birthday on Wednesday — turning 45 — might have had something to do with it, although I’m not usually hung up on age or the significance of turning one year older with the coming and going of a 24-hour period.

They might have all been cameo roles, in the background, feeling a little neglected that I was no longer paying them any kind of notice.

Then I received a phone call, and it seemed to trigger their sudden call to the stage, and they became major players in how the next few hours would go.

In the scheme of things, it really was no big deal. An individual had called to let me know a letter I was supposed to share with him last week listed a sensitive date for an appeal hearing. The hearing was scheduled for March 4; he received the letter (from me) on March 5.

He was not angry with me, and the majority of the blame rests on the individuals who sent the notice to the wrong location anyway. But the damage was done. I screwed up. Something I chose not to do caused an inconvenience in someone else’s life.

I know–writing about it now doesn’t make it seem like a big deal. And it’s not. Everything was worked out within five minutes of getting the call. But the inner critic seized that opportunity, that small, insignificant event, and ran with it.

For the next few hours, I felt horrible. I started doubting myself, my 40-day journey, my decision to become a vegan. All of it was on the line to be destroyed as a self-punishment for this mistake.

It is absolutely unbelievable how strong negativity can be and how it can feed on your weaknesses, no matter how small or insignificant they might be.

I did four things to stop the derail.

First, I combated the negative self-speak head-on with allowing myself to throw this pity party within the rules of my new journey.  I immediately went to eat to use food as a comfort as well as a punishment. But what I allowed myself to eat were all vegan foods.

Second, I didn’t let it feed on me internally. Amy had been out for a few hours with Madelyn and Braeden for Madelyn’s soccer game, and as soon as she came home and we sat down, I actually talked about this with her. I shared what I was feeling, and put it on the table. I’ve never really done that before.

Third, I told myself that I have the ability to control this, to recognize the negativity for what it is (and is not), allowed it to come, and then gave it permission to go.

Fourth, I gave it all to God, thanked Him for his sacrifices, accepted my weakness, and allowed his strength and love to fill me.

I know, I know. All this for a silly phone call about something I neglected to do.

Here’s the point: If we don’t recognize the need to do this, then that negative self-speak accumulates within you, eats at you, and makes you believe that this is truly who you are: a worthless person who fails at everything you do.

This is how I have allowed such little things to consume me in the past. Now I know what I must do to release them.

Time to run to the competition. I’ll write more later today/tonight about the other major event. Have a wonderful day, everyone. :) <3

Good morning. It is 5:48 a.m.

Last night, I mentioned how glorious Day 16 had been. I wanted to expand a little on that this morning.

We had our Lines of Love meeting at Carroll Community College with a room filled with kind and supportive individuals who are excited about raising awareness about mental illness and removing the stigma attached to it. We had a great conversation about the event and how we can work together; more than that, though, I noticed the sadness in many of their eyes, touched with hope that we might be able to help some individuals who are struggling out there — help them before it is too late.

Twenty-four hours ago, I knew none of them, and they did not know me. Now, though, our lives have each been strengthened by reaching out, talking about removing that stigma, and helping others.

Isn’t that really all it takes, sometimes, to spark that hope inside of us? To reach out to others and just, well, just talk? Just share in common conversation about the things that bind us? About the things that we worry about, have a passion for, or believe in strongly?

I love listening to people now. I love shutting up, getting out of their way, and letting them talk. I love watching them, letting them know that they have my full attention, that their words matter like they should. Three weeks ago, I was too busy to do any of that. My attitude, unconscious or otherwise, was all about getting to the resolution. Not on what the other person was feeling. Not on what mattered to them. Only what mattered to me and my need to solve it and move on from it.

It doesn’t work that way. Yet, we’ve come to live our lives in text-message form, desiring communication in 160 characters or less, wanting nothing more than the instant response, the quick fix, the rapid-fire result of some dilemma.

I don’t want my life to be confined by those thoughts anymore. I want open space, lengthy conversations, meaningful stretches of simply listening to others and letting them know their life matters in extraordinary ways.

You just can’t get that in a text message, a tweet, a Facebook wall post, or any other kind of instant message. We need more face-to-face, we need more conversation, we need more courage to look our friends in the eyes and show them that we care about them and about what they have to share. We need time to let them know that we care about them as individuals.

Who will you take the time to talk to today?

Namaste. It is 10:18 p.m.

What a glorious day. I spent the afternoon with an incredible group of individuals at Carroll Community College (CCC).  Lines of Love will be working closely with Psi Beta, which is a National Honor Society in Psychology for junior and community colleges, for our April 13th event at CCC.

More about this on Friday. For now, I leave you with Philippians 4:13, a verse, a mantra, a reminder:

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me…

Namaste…it is 5:29 a.m.

I turn 45 today. In so many ways, though, I feel much younger.  I remember my mother telling me that age means nothing; it’s all about your attitude toward life and what you make of it.

After my father passed away in 1989, she impressed on me the need to seize every moment in life, cherish all its greatness and meanness that it may contain, and then move on to seizing the next moment, a little wiser. She practiced what she preached, and for the 18 years that separated their deaths, she was a model to many of us on what it means to live with love and appreciation.

I see this even more in the way my sister lives her life. Sometimes I wish I could take her on tour for everyone to meet. She changes lives, simply because she discards what she can’t control and treasures everything and everyone else. When I get down to Florida to spend some time with her, maybe she’ll let me shoot some video and share it with all of you.

We’re surrounded by such people, though, all the time. Many of us struggle with realizing that good that is within us, that love that has been suppressed because of fear, because of hurt, because of others who have tried to control us for whatever reason.

Let that fear go and live. Love yourself and love others. Become youthful in all that you do, all that you see. Embrace this moment in all its beauty and wonderment. It is not too late. It is never too late.

When I was younger — twenties to mid-thirties — I would hike a different mountain each year on my birthday. Ten years ago, when I turned 35, I hiked Sugarloaf Mountain with my best friend, Brad. We journaled throughout the walk, took our time and enjoyed the sounds of the wildlife, studied the early rebirth of the deciduous forest, and chatted about what it meant to be 35 — an age we deemed “old” when we were in high school. Ten years later, we are still best friends, and we can’t believe that we both turn 45 this year.

How quickly those ten years passed by.

I look back on those ten years and I am grateful for so much. I do not regret what I did not accomplish. I can only focus on what I can accomplish in this moment, today.

I called Brad the other day and told him I had found our shared writings from that hike, and we laughed like we could still feel the sting of our tired muscles. The images of what we saw on that summit seemed refreshed, ever-present in our memories because we took the time to recognize the beauty in those moments.

We don’t have to hike a mountain every day to recognize such beauty. Sometimes, it’s just a matter of standing still and letting the chatty business of the day fall away. Beauty rises in the sounds we hear, the images we have glossed over, the gentle touch of wind that has been surrounding us the entire way.

Enjoy your day, and every moment within it that presents you with a new, unrealized beauty. It is yours to cherish like no other.

Love to all,
Rus

Namaste on this latest of afternoons, 6:12 p.m.

Outside, the temperature hovers just above freezing as the rain continues to fall (Healing rain falling down….I’m not afraid). Perhaps, at some point tonight, the temperatures will fall enough to turn the rain into snow, and we will be granted a soft finale to this very white winter. Surely, with temperatures hitting a nice stride into the mid-fifties this weekend, tonight’s “wintry mix” will be short-lived and soon forgotten.

Might we be lucky enough to see green return to our pastures in a few weeks? Blessings, indeed…

I am reminded of Psalm 104: 10-13:

10 He sends forth springs in the valleys; they flow between the mountains;
11 They give drink to every beast of the field; the wild donkeys quench their thirst.
12 Beside them the birds of the heavens dwell; they lift up their voices among the branches.
13 He waters the mountains from His upper chambers; the earth is satisfied with the fruit of his works.

And I am grateful…

The first two weeks have been challenging, wonderful, awakening, celebratory, and a literal God-send. I know that I have lost some weight, and although that is nice, the reasons why I am doing this far transcend the need to lose a few score and then some. It’s been bigger than that all along, where a calming of the waters within me has allowed patience, love, and understanding to surface beyond the initial rush reactions that once encouraged none of these.

I am also so grateful for the comments that friends have posted, the text messages of support, and the emails suggesting relevant websites to help me along the way.

All this in just 14 days…My heart leaps in wonder of what may be in 14 weeks!

Enjoy the evening, all. I’ll see you in the morning. <3

Greetings…it is 10:08 p.m…….and I am very tired.

I will allow the wonderful words of 1 Corinthians 13 to take my place tonight, one of my Bible favorites with so much meaning in my life.  My love to all of you…

1 Corinthians 13

Love

¹If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.

²If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.

³If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

⁹For we know in part and we prophesy in part,

¹⁰but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.

¹¹When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.

¹²Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

¹³And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.